I have just had a long chat with the Vicar. The upshot of which is that I will not now be involved with the first wave of Missional Communities.
My response to my brothers death has somehow made me unsuitable to be involved for fear that my issues may damage the discipleship group.
This feels wrong to me and I am struggling to understand the reasoning.
I understand that this particular group is not the right place to explore or work through my issues. I understand that I need to do that elsewhere.
The group was, I thought, a place to begin serious discipleship and authentic relationships. It seems my honesty has somehow excluded me.
Jesus called the broken, the weak, the downright unsuitable and turned their lives around. He calls us still but some areas still seem to be off limits.
I am hurt and sad all over again. This process of engaging with Missional Communities was, for me, an opportunity to finally build the kind of relationships with others and with God that I have so far only dreamed about. A chance to truly be Christ to one another. Sadly though I am for now being excluded from that opportunity and being placed instead in the needy category.
I shouldn't be surprised. It always happens. I get along fine but as soon as I let people into the vulnerability at the heart of my soul I am judged differently. Suddenly I am the problem to be managed and not the potential resource to be utilised. I am once again framed in terms only of my need and not what I have to offer.
I know he will not see it like that even though he makes the effort to see it from my point of view he cannot grasp the magnitude and the significance of what his decision really means for me.
I feel that Jesus has invited me to the feast but the doorman wont let me in.
I could rant and rave - and believe me the six year old in me has having an almighty tantrum - but it wont move me on and I could live without the resulting headache.
The thing is I have to trust him because if I cant trust him then I cant stay here and here is where I am meant to be. I have to trust the Vicar and I have to trust God and believe that they are in fact working together for my good.
I know, deep in my being, that He who began a good work in me will see it through to completion. (that's from the Bible but I am pants at remembering chapter and verse.)
I have to believe he is using Dan to move that process along.