Welcome to my attempt to live fully and honestly, to sing out the song of myself, to truly know who I am......

.....either that or the ramblings of a barely coherant, tired out mum of two!!

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Greenbelt 2012 and the never-ending story.

Last year towards the end of August I amongst many hundreds attended the Greenbelt Christian Arts Festival held at Cheltenham Race course.
At the beginning of August the youngest of my three older brothers took his own life.
I arrived at Greenbelt in crisis and went downhill from there.
I would say I had four states during the four days of the festival. They were: self-destruct, drunk, crying and suicidal.
All my defences were at zero. My 'internal policeman' had abandoned her post. I was a mess.
What I needed was a friend or two to pull me out of the pit and hold me while the storm raged.

I freely confess  that my behaviour at times was shameful. I drank too much and engaged in conversations that were far from Holy. I related poorly to people and allowed my inner flirt free unencumbered egress.
I felt totally out of control and frightened myself as my ability to hold myself together weakened.

Finally Dan held out a lifeline and I took it. Slowly I began to get myself under control as the storms began to quieten.

I spent a lot of time with God when we returned home. Allowing Him to gather the broken pieces I watched as He cleaned each piece making them shine like new before He put them back into place.
There are still some pieces that need attention. God is not through with me yet. God is restoring me, healing me, forgiving me on a daily basis.

Sadly because of my vulnerability I have to let go of some things that are important to me.

In the sermon today we were reminded that God called and used adulterers, murderers, liars and even the dead. It seems that even though God still calls the vulnerable, the weak and the screw up - rehabilitation within Church sometimes needs time to be fully realised.

I allowed the bits of me that are usually hidden to be seen. I allowed those I thought were trustworthy to see the woundedness and the darkness at the very depth of my soul.
My inabilty to keep these things under wraps at a time of great pain and confusion means that I am less far along the Healing and Wholeness journey than I thought I was.

So I remain on the outside looking in. This is where I have always been. Perhaps after all this is where I belong.

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