Welcome to my attempt to live fully and honestly, to sing out the song of myself, to truly know who I am......

.....either that or the ramblings of a barely coherant, tired out mum of two!!

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

A year in a day.

Wow. A whole year and a little bit has gone by and I have not blogged.
 I dont know - I love my blog - have depended on it - have stayed close to friends and made new ones through it and yet...

 Time has just slipped away.

 I have so many dreams and hopes and aspirations but so often they just look like so much dust and debris at my feet. Easier to brush them away then try to engage and make them beautiful.

 2012 began as a year full of hope but became a year of sadness and struggle.

 In August, while on holiday with the family, my brother - the youngest of the three, took his own life.

We are still awaiting the inquest but the reasons are clear.

 Raymond was injured whilst in the army and lived his life through the haze of pain and prescription meds. He couldnt work and on some days could barely function because of the pain in his back.
 His wife left him - years of trying to put up with mood swings and outbursts.
The twins went with her and he was heartbroken.
I think he just got to the point where life physically and emotionally was too much for him and he chose how to end it.

 I was doing ok until then but the suddenness of his death frightened me.
I wondered if I would be next - if the curse of my birth family would track me down and extinguish all hope. I wobbled, I lost it for awhile and gave my Vicar plenty to worry about. I was, in short, a mess.

 BUT I have some amazing friends - some I met whilst blogging and have never laid eyes on but are as much a part of my story now as those I see every day. Some who I have only a little contact with through moving away and our lives moving on. Some who are physically close.

All in their way held me - physically, emotionally, spiritually - until the shaking subsided and I was able to find by feet.

 I learned that my foundations are no longer built on the shifting sands of the family I was born into.

 I have been adopted into a new family with foundations built on solid rock. I am a daughter of the living God and a princess in the Royalist of royal families. I have a new name and a new purpose.

Whatever life conspires to throw at me I remain rooted and grounded in Love.

This is not a magic wand. I live with deep pain and sorrow and sometimes I wonder if this is my cross to bear.
I have lost two siblings to death and many other family members through misunderstanding, suspicion, unforgiveness and hate.
There are relationships I think will never be healed and I mourn the loss.

 So 2013?

 So far, so good.

 I am learning to drive and I am hopeful that I will be able to drive myself to Greenbelt 2013.

 I am considering getting a tattoo (or two) - a part of finally feeling that I can be me. I have happy days. The kids drive me to distraction but they also crease me up in laughter.

The sorrow though is like a constant companion. I will seek some counselling but I am not sure if this is something that can be talked away or worked through. Perhaps it is just mine to accept.

 I resolve to blog more - its good for me - even if no-one stops by.


  1. Thank you dearest cyber friend. My life would be less without you in it.