Why Don't They Tell You?

Why Don't They Tell You?
I was just wondering why all those glossy parenting magazines never tell the truth of how piggin' difficult looking after and bringing up children actually is.

They don't tell you that you'll be cut up and/or torn and will have to pee sitting in a bath of cold water for weeks. They don't tell you how painful breast feeding can be or that you might end up being at it for hours on end. They don't tell how distressing for mum and dad sibling rivalry can be or how excruciatingly high pitched a childs whine can actually be. They don't tell you that not everyone is a natural mother and bonding and developing relationships with these vulnerable little ones can feel like an uphill struggle.

They only tell you about the joy and the love and the mystery and miracle of having kids.

I would of like to have known both sides - I would of still had my two beautiful babies but I might have been a bit more prepared for the reality and not so tangled up with the dream and the longing.

My Retreat part 3: The Spiritual Stuff.

When I got to the retreat house I was a bit surprised to find that it was a silent retreat! I was a little concerned but actually it turned out to be really good. The only down-side being that there was little opportunity to talk to the other tertiary - still I think friends were made!

I went on retreat at a time of feeling very angry and not being entirely sure why. The kids were occasionally taking the brunt of it which is never right and left me feeling even worse. It was good to get away and have some space and thinking time.

During the retreat I sent a text message to a good friend Idle Pilgrim , it read 'God is loud when I is silent'. At the time of writing it was simply short hand for saying that I could really hear God when I was being quiet but as the weekend wore on it became clear that I had stumbled on the TRUTH!

As I spent time in the prescence of God I became aware of just how much I use the word 'I'. It is such a small word yet it has a great deal of power. I became increasingly aware that part of what was making me angry is the loss of my identity. As a mum I am 'mummy' and my needs, wants and desires are nearly always secondary to the needs, wants and desires of my children.

I seem to have two reactions to this fact: either I throw myself into it neglecting myself and putting them first every time - the martyr complex or I get cross and frustrated because even my most basic needs are not being met. Neither of these are healthy responses and I need to continue to work on changing them.

As a diabetic some of my needs MUST come first. If that means leaving the kids to cry and moan while I get something to eat then that has to be. When my blood sugar levels drop I get irrational and angry. If I keep my sugars balanced I am much more likely to keep my temper and emotions balanced.

Of course there are always going to be moments when the little ones stretch my patience to the limit but if I am on an even keel to begin with I am much more likely to manage even the difficult situations. There is still some head work to do on other bits of the anger problem but recognising this aspect has made me safe to be with my kids and made it possible to look at the deeper issues.

One other consequence of my retreat is that I recognise that I do have the right to have my basic needs met. I don't need to be a martyr and neglect myself. I need to look after me so hat I am healthy physically and mentally to look after those who depend on me.

'God is loud when I is silent'. It is highly appropriate at times that I stop worrying about my own needs, wants and desires and listen to the heart of God.

Legacy

Those of us who have suffered abuse at the hands of their fathers or other trusted male relatives carry within us a strange and painful legacy.

We find it hard to trust or we trust too much too soon.
We hold ourselves back or we give ourselves away to readily.
We are quiet and reticent or we are loud and brash.

We come in all shapes and sizes with all sorts of coping mechanisms and unhealthy addictions and pathologies.

We hook up with the wrong kind of guy or we resolutely stay single.
We eat, or smoke, or drink, or talk, or shop, or exercise or was and clean too much and we are nearly always afraid of the dark.

With us life is unpredictable or planned and routine to the max.

We have similar experiences, similar stories, but we are all different. We survived the only way we knew how and we carry the positive and negative effects of that survival for the rest of our lives.

We do not ask for pity, or sympathy or handouts.

We do ask for a sprinkle of understanding and a pinch of patience.

We do ask that we not be lumped together and dismissed.

We do ask that you try to hear us, even if the story is one you have heard a thousand times, it is unique to us.

Thank you.

To Tell or not to Tell.

A while ago I read somewhere that it is essential for the person to tell all that has happened to him/her in order to heal. I was horriied.

Firstly it is not necessary for a survivor to tell in explicit detail any part of what has been done to them for healing to take place. For some it is more important to concentrate on the feelings and emotions not the acts themselves. For others telling in broad strokes the nature of what they have suffered is enough. Some may need to go over the events in great detail. For some a mixture of approaches will work best. All these ways of healing are good and valid.

Secondly no-one should be forced to talk in detail about their experiences - this is abuse. It gives the green light to those who get a kick out of hearing this kind of stuff to put pressure on those who need help. Talking in detail against ones will is akin to being abused all over again. Those who have testified in court will understand what I mean.

What is important for a person to heal from abuse is someone who is willing to listen to the said and the unsaid. Someone who will come alongside and gently support while the person finds a way through the darkness. Someone who will not judge you but gently and insistantly whisper 'It was not your fault'.

Please - if someone reveals to you that something happened to them as a child - be ready to listen and go at their pace. Do not judge. Be gentle.

If.....

If people were honest and only asked the questions they really wanted answers to - what would the world look like?

Can you imagine it

'Oh hello, how are you today?'

'Well the kids had me up all night and I feel kinda tired and the cat gor run over and I can't afford a vet and I've got this pain around my heart that won't go away and yesterday I buried my best friend and I can't quite get over the trauma of the past and I would really like to talk and I would really like you to hear me'

We ask the questions but we don't really want to hear what the other person really feels and what is going on in their lives. That would somehow be too messy, too personal, too close.

Sometimes......

Sometimes I am woken by screaming only to realise it is me.
Sometimes I am too scared to close my eyes and sleep for fear of what lurks in the darkness.
Sometimes the tears fall for no apparent reason.
Sometimes silence is terrifying.


Sometimes I hope for a better future.
Sometimes I find joy in just being alive.
Sometimes my children remind me of all that was stolen from me.
Sometimes my children remind me of the beauty of living.

Sometimes the Son shines into my darkness.
Sometimes the Light threatens to reveal my secrets.
Sometimes I welcome this.
Sometimes I cower in the dark corners afraid to come out.
Sometimes I think I understand.
Sometimes I know I never will.

The Mayfly Project

Blog hopping I came across a link to the Mayfly project. This basically is a site where you are invited to sum up your 2005 in 24 words or less. The lifespan of a mayfly is 24 hours.

Heres mine:

Pregnant.Baby Girl Born.
Stress, tired
Husband Gives Evidence in Murder Trial.
Maternity Leave Over.
another birthday.
Christmas is coming!
Husband has Pleurisy--Great!

Moon

I greeted the moon as I walked to work this morning. There she was in her half state, majestic and beautiful as she smiled down from her lofty place.

My cynical side enquired from deep within 'what are you saying hello to the moon for - it is just a big, dead, rock!'

Ah yes, I replied but the light from the sun gives it life and light and beauty and makes my heart warm to see her glowing there.

What a picture of what the Christ light does for us! We are cold and dead but in the light from God's Son we shine and come alive hopefully then spreading the light to others, radiating his light and love to a cold and lonely world.

Thank you Lord, for your indescribable gift!

2005: A review.

As the year begins to draw to a close I thought I would take a look at the highs and lows of the family Blog.

At the beginning of the year Daddy Blog was facing the possibility of redundancy in fact he ended up being promoted - a mixed blessing! His work is now very stressful and involves overtime which leaves me having to feed, bathe and put to bed a 2 1/2 year old and a seven month old without any help. It works if Peter is happy to watch TV while I put the baby to bed.

Last year Daddy Blog was witness to a murder - this impacted on this year - worrying about making a statement and recriminations, awaiting the trial, giving evidence. At last, the murderer was sentenced to a minimum of 25 years and life began to return to normal.

I continued to feel ill with my second pregnancy and eventually celebrated the birth of Eleanor in May. She is a delight and a wonder.

I returned to work in October to find that internal politics and silliness was running on unabated. The new bod at the top has turned things upside down to the extent that no-one really knows what to expect next year.

My course continues to go well although I was ready to jack it all in a month or so ago. It all just seemed to be a bit too much. I have decided to only do the minimum two essays this academic year, so I should have filled that requirement by New Year. This should make the time until summer a little less stressful.

Peter continued to cope well with his hemiplegia and was making good progress. The glandular fever he was diagnosed with in November has slowed him down a bit but hopefully he will pick up a bit after the excitement of Christmas. He is still very tired and in some areas of his develpment he has taken a step backward.

Eleanor is thriving. She is a little podge and totally adorable. She sleeps through the night - something her older brother is yet to achieve.

My Film of the Year - not having seen many I think it waould have to be Wallace and Gromit - and the Were-Rabbit closely followed by Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

My Book of the Year - again I haven't really read much but my vote would be for Thud by Terry Pratchett.

Album of the Year - I haven't recieved it yet but I can safely say that it will be Deep Blue by Martyn Joseph!!

Being Church

Real Live Preacher wrote a piece on different ways of being church. It sounds idyllic and made me wish for a better way of doing things than we seem to manage in the Anglican Church.

It has been decided by our Diocese that our Parish and the one next door will not be getting new priests to fill our vacancies. We have been in vacancy for over 4 years -- waiting, hoping, despairing, whilst our numbers dwindle and our hope along with it.

A few years ago a document was written about what the inner city parishes need to survive and thrive. One of the conclusions was that parishes like ours need more priests, more resources, more input. Sadly, this has not been implemented and we are to get fewer priests, fewer resources, very little input.

It has been decided that we are to be an experiment in a new way of being church. We are being given a lay missioner to cover both inner city parishes. This person will be supported by two non stipendary priests - one for each parish. This person will be responsible for bringing the Gospel message to the tens of thousands of people who live within the boundaries of these two parishes. We will not be a united benefice just two churches with the same incumbant.

My cynical, hope drained self thinks this is second rate, an experiment doomed to failure, a job too big for any one person to take on, a let down, a disappointment.

My dare to hope, positive self hopes that this will be just what we need. I even get excited when I think of the possibilities and opportunities that will come with this appointment.

Someone has now been appointed. A married couple job sharing the post. They have children!! They are excited about joining us in February. They feel that this is where God is calling them and they can't wait to be with us.

When they come I will have someone to support and encourage me through my Lay Reader training. I will have someone to help discern what God is calling me to. We will have someone to love and to guide us. To help us find our direction and give us back our sense of purpose.

We will have someone to help us be church again in our inner city parish(es). We will have someone.

They Are Our Future

Every time I read about children being misused I get angry. Children are so vulnerable - they believe pretty much whatever you tell them and they learn from imitating those around them. So what are we teaching our children?

From the news channels and newspapers it would seem that we are teaching them that it is ok to be racist, bigoted, hateful, intolerant and antisocial. Scenes of war and terrorism and violence of every kind from all over the world beamed directly into our living rooms and into our kids heads. From listening to the kids as they play in our street it would seem we are teaching them to swear and curse and not give a flying fig about anyone else or the environment they have to live in. They use words I don't even understand and vandalise the nearby park at every opportunity.

We owe it to the children and to ourselves to teach our kids how to be responsible, respectable citizens. Surely we want to give this nations children every chance to excel in sport or business, social skills and leisure pursuits. And we should remember that one day these kids will be running the country and making decisions about our future.

So let's teach them how to laugh and play, let's teach them about their responsibilities as well as their rights, let's give them a sense of fair play. Let us encourage our kids to be independant but not self centred, aware of their own worth and the value in others, let's make our nations children a legacy and gift to the world.

Where is God?

This is a question I hear in one form or another whenever something bad happens. 'Where was God in Beslan?', 'Where was God on 9/11?' And then there is that age old variation 'If there was a God/if God cared why does he allow these things to happen?'.

These are big questions and I have to admit I don't have any big answers. Just a deep and abiding conviction that God can be found in the darkest corners of this world through the suffering of Jesus Christ.

I carry with me the child I used to be. The misused and abused child for whom life promised so little. She use to ask 'where is God in this' until one day God showed her. He was with her, hanging on his cross, blood and sweat running down his face.

God is with us in the bleak times, in the spark of humanity that kicks against the darkness. God is with us.

Terrorism

I sat watching BBC News 24 as the storming of the school in Baslan played out on my TV screen. I watched as children were shot at as they tried to escape and I watched as parents and relatives surveyed the damaged gymnasium and hurriedly put together lists of the dead and injured. I saw the turmoil, the anger, the grief.

What is it that turns human against human? What kind of person can dehumanise children so totally that they can be used as tools and a means to an end? What does a person have to have suffered to see the killing of children as a legitimate target to promote their cause?

The hostage-takers are wrong to have used these innocent children, to have destroyed lives and families and communities but what about the communities that they themselves come from. If we call them monsters or similar we dehumanise them and fail to see the suffering that they have endured in their lives. We will fail to see the families and communities of other innocents torn apart by war and conflict.

The Chechens want justice and freedom from the Russian government and have been denied both. The hostage-takers were fighting for a cause they believe in and they were wrong to kill in this way but we dehumanise them at our peril. Understanding doesn't mean letting them off nor does it in any way minimise the horror and enormity of what they did. It does allow us to see the humanity of the situation and realise that there but for the grace of God go you or I.

Faith

Why have I been sneezing for weeks? I don't know but its's making me feel kinda tired. A couple of weeks ago, before the sneezing began, I went to the doctor because of feeling tired and she recommended some blood tests so off I went to get them. It took three attempts to get any blood - one in each arm and finally the back of my hand. I still have a very large bruise on my hand over a week later. Instead of getting my results at the beginning of the week I got a letter asking me to go and have some further bloods taken and when I got there they booked me a double appointment to see the doctor next week.

So far I have been given no information or indication as to what the problem is. I can only assume that since the doctor wants to see me after she gets back from holiday that it is not serious. I can only assume that if it were serious action would be taken sooner but I can't help worrying a little since something must be wrong or the doctor wouldn't need to see me at all......

It made me wonder about the nature of faith. We put our faith in the medical profession - we trust them to know what they are doing. We make assumptions based on common sense and a little hope. We hope the doctor knows what she is doing - we assume that things must be ok or they would have told us. Faith in a supreme being - God - strikes me as being at least similar. We base it on common sense and a little hope. We have some previous experience on which to base a common sense conclusion and then we hope that we ae on the right path.

Those without faith often ask 'how can you be sure that God reallly exists?' and that's really the whole point - we can't be sure - not completely. If we knew for sure than faith would be unnecessary and pointless. Faith is the stuff that bridges the gap between belief and knowledge. Faith is the leap you make when you have analysed and examined every piece of evidence and found that it doesn't quite add up to a whole.

Like trusting the doctor, sooner or later we have to admit that our own knowledge and commonsense will only get us so far before we have to let go and trust in something we don't quite understand.