When I got to the retreat house I was a bit surprised to find that it was a silent retreat! I was a little concerned but actually it turned out to be really good. The only down-side being that there was little opportunity to talk to the other tertiary - still I think friends were made!
I went on retreat at a time of feeling very angry and not being entirely sure why. The kids were occasionally taking the brunt of it which is never right and left me feeling even worse. It was good to get away and have some space and thinking time.
During the retreat I sent a text message to a good friend Idle Pilgrim , it read 'God is loud when I is silent'. At the time of writing it was simply short hand for saying that I could really hear God when I was being quiet but as the weekend wore on it became clear that I had stumbled on the TRUTH!
As I spent time in the prescence of God I became aware of just how much I use the word 'I'. It is such a small word yet it has a great deal of power. I became increasingly aware that part of what was making me angry is the loss of my identity. As a mum I am 'mummy' and my needs, wants and desires are nearly always secondary to the needs, wants and desires of my children.
I seem to have two reactions to this fact: either I throw myself into it neglecting myself and putting them first every time - the martyr complex or I get cross and frustrated because even my most basic needs are not being met. Neither of these are healthy responses and I need to continue to work on changing them.
As a diabetic some of my needs MUST come first. If that means leaving the kids to cry and moan while I get something to eat then that has to be. When my blood sugar levels drop I get irrational and angry. If I keep my sugars balanced I am much more likely to keep my temper and emotions balanced.
Of course there are always going to be moments when the little ones stretch my patience to the limit but if I am on an even keel to begin with I am much more likely to manage even the difficult situations. There is still some head work to do on other bits of the anger problem but recognising this aspect has made me safe to be with my kids and made it possible to look at the deeper issues.
One other consequence of my retreat is that I recognise that I do have the right to have my basic needs met. I don't need to be a martyr and neglect myself. I need to look after me so hat I am healthy physically and mentally to look after those who depend on me.
'God is loud when I is silent'. It is highly appropriate at times that I stop worrying about my own needs, wants and desires and listen to the heart of God.
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