cancer

My friend survived breast cancer. She now has brain cancer. No words. Gutted. Praying for a miracle.

Daddy

"Daddy!"

I cried in the deepest darkness night

and Daddy came

with evil in his heart

and lust in his eyes.

"Daddy!"

I cried when I fell and hurt

and Daddy came 

with poker

and with broom handle.

"Daddy!"

I cried.

But Daddy had no kind word

No arms to hold me

No healing

and no comfort.

"Daddy!"

I cry in the deepest darkest night

And Daddy God comes

with Grace in his heart

and love in His eyes.

"Daddy!"

I cry when I fall and hurt

and Daddy God comes

with arms opened wide

and a gentle smile.

"Daddy!"

I cry

And Father God has kind words

and arms to hold me

Healing

Comfort 

Redemption.

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go.

Darkness falls around me

Like a shroud

Clawing, cloying

like recent death.

Trying to convince me that

nothing is worth it

I am not worth it.

BUT

A still small voice

whispers

Light is not extinguished

Hope is not lost

Love is not impossible

Life is worth living.

I am not pointless

I am not worthless

I am not hopeless.

I am a Child of God

Radiant

Beautiful

Made Clean

Made Whole

Made Holy

We are Loved 

beyond measure

beyond reason

beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Jesus love will not ever let us go.

Greenbelt 2012 and the never-ending story.

Last year towards the end of August I amongst many hundreds attended the Greenbelt Christian Arts Festival held at Cheltenham Race course.
At the beginning of August the youngest of my three older brothers took his own life.
I arrived at Greenbelt in crisis and went downhill from there.
I would say I had four states during the four days of the festival. They were: self-destruct, drunk, crying and suicidal.
All my defences were at zero. My 'internal policeman' had abandoned her post. I was a mess.
What I needed was a friend or two to pull me out of the pit and hold me while the storm raged.

I freely confess  that my behaviour at times was shameful. I drank too much and engaged in conversations that were far from Holy. I related poorly to people and allowed my inner flirt free unencumbered egress.
I felt totally out of control and frightened myself as my ability to hold myself together weakened.

Finally Dan held out a lifeline and I took it. Slowly I began to get myself under control as the storms began to quieten.

I spent a lot of time with God when we returned home. Allowing Him to gather the broken pieces I watched as He cleaned each piece making them shine like new before He put them back into place.
There are still some pieces that need attention. God is not through with me yet. God is restoring me, healing me, forgiving me on a daily basis.

Sadly because of my vulnerability I have to let go of some things that are important to me.

In the sermon today we were reminded that God called and used adulterers, murderers, liars and even the dead. It seems that even though God still calls the vulnerable, the weak and the screw up - rehabilitation within Church sometimes needs time to be fully realised.

I allowed the bits of me that are usually hidden to be seen. I allowed those I thought were trustworthy to see the woundedness and the darkness at the very depth of my soul.
My inabilty to keep these things under wraps at a time of great pain and confusion means that I am less far along the Healing and Wholeness journey than I thought I was.

So I remain on the outside looking in. This is where I have always been. Perhaps after all this is where I belong.

May God Bless You.

May God Bless you 

with discomfort at easy answers, 

half truths and superficial relationships, 

so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you 

with anger at injustice, 

oppression and exploitation of people, 

so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you 

with tears to shed for those who suffer pain, 

rejection, hunger and war, 

so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their pain into joy

And may God bless you 

with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in the world, 

so you can do what others claim cannot be done 

to bring justice and kindness to everyone.

This is what it means to live honestly and with integrity. To feel the pain of those who suffer and give voice to the voiceless. To be dissatisfied with the usual platitudes and worthy advice.

I may stand alone at the end of my life, having frightened everyone away with the intensity of my song. But I will sing.

I will sing of aching abuse and frightened children. I will sing of cancer and suicide. I will sing of families torn apart and of individuals so wrapped in hate they no longer see the light.

And I will sing of a Man, born in an animal shed. A man who preached Love and healed the broken with a gentle Word and a firm touch. I will sing of the Man hanging broken and humiliated on a wooden cross. I will sing of His Love for this world. His Love for the broken and the misused. For the overlooked and underused. I will sing of His love for the Victim and the terrorist. 

I will sing until Heaven is a reality in this place. I will sing until I cannot sing anymore.

I may be alone - but I don't think so.

Life is full of disappointments

I have just had a long chat with the Vicar. The upshot of which is that I will not now be involved with the first wave of Missional Communities.

My response to my brothers death has somehow made me unsuitable to be involved for fear that my issues may damage the discipleship group.

This feels wrong to me and I am struggling to understand the reasoning.

I understand that this particular group is not the right place to explore or work through my issues. I understand that I need to do that elsewhere.

The group was, I thought, a place to begin serious discipleship and authentic relationships. It seems my honesty has somehow excluded me.

Jesus called the broken, the weak, the downright unsuitable and turned their lives around. He calls us still but some areas still seem to be off limits.

I am hurt and sad all over again. This process of engaging with Missional Communities was, for me, an opportunity to finally build the kind of relationships with others and with God that I have so far only dreamed about. A chance to truly be Christ to one another. Sadly though I am for now being excluded from that opportunity and being placed instead in the needy category.

I shouldn't be surprised. It always happens. I get along fine but as soon as I let people into the vulnerability at the heart of my soul I am judged differently. Suddenly I am the problem to be managed and not the potential resource to be utilised. I am once again framed in terms only of my need and not what I have to offer.

I know he will not see it like that even though he makes the effort to see it from my point of view he cannot grasp the magnitude and the significance of what his decision really means for me.

I feel that Jesus has invited me to the feast but the doorman wont let me in.

I could rant and rave - and believe me the six year old in me has having an almighty tantrum - but it wont move me on and I could live without the resulting headache.

The thing is I have to trust him because if I cant trust him then I cant stay here and here is where I am meant to be. I have to trust the Vicar and I have to trust God and believe that they are in fact working together for my good.

I know, deep in my being, that He who began a good work in me will see it through to completion. (that's from the Bible but I am pants at remembering chapter and verse.)

I have to believe he is using Dan to move that process along.

A year in a day.

Wow. A whole year and a little bit has gone by and I have not blogged.
 Why?
 I dont know - I love my blog - have depended on it - have stayed close to friends and made new ones through it and yet...

 Time has just slipped away.

 I have so many dreams and hopes and aspirations but so often they just look like so much dust and debris at my feet. Easier to brush them away then try to engage and make them beautiful.

 2012 began as a year full of hope but became a year of sadness and struggle.

 In August, while on holiday with the family, my brother - the youngest of the three, took his own life.

We are still awaiting the inquest but the reasons are clear.

 Raymond was injured whilst in the army and lived his life through the haze of pain and prescription meds. He couldnt work and on some days could barely function because of the pain in his back.
 His wife left him - years of trying to put up with mood swings and outbursts.
The twins went with her and he was heartbroken.
I think he just got to the point where life physically and emotionally was too much for him and he chose how to end it.

 I was doing ok until then but the suddenness of his death frightened me.
I wondered if I would be next - if the curse of my birth family would track me down and extinguish all hope. I wobbled, I lost it for awhile and gave my Vicar plenty to worry about. I was, in short, a mess.

 BUT I have some amazing friends - some I met whilst blogging and have never laid eyes on but are as much a part of my story now as those I see every day. Some who I have only a little contact with through moving away and our lives moving on. Some who are physically close.

All in their way held me - physically, emotionally, spiritually - until the shaking subsided and I was able to find by feet.

 I learned that my foundations are no longer built on the shifting sands of the family I was born into.

 I have been adopted into a new family with foundations built on solid rock. I am a daughter of the living God and a princess in the Royalist of royal families. I have a new name and a new purpose.

Whatever life conspires to throw at me I remain rooted and grounded in Love.

This is not a magic wand. I live with deep pain and sorrow and sometimes I wonder if this is my cross to bear.
I have lost two siblings to death and many other family members through misunderstanding, suspicion, unforgiveness and hate.
There are relationships I think will never be healed and I mourn the loss.

 So 2013?

 So far, so good.

 I am learning to drive and I am hopeful that I will be able to drive myself to Greenbelt 2013.

 I am considering getting a tattoo (or two) - a part of finally feeling that I can be me. I have happy days. The kids drive me to distraction but they also crease me up in laughter.

The sorrow though is like a constant companion. I will seek some counselling but I am not sure if this is something that can be talked away or worked through. Perhaps it is just mine to accept.

 I resolve to blog more - its good for me - even if no-one stops by.

Christmas? Already!

Time seems to fly by and how can it be nearly six months since I last posted?

Christmas is a heartbeat away and it seems the year has flown away carrying us along with it. Usually in Advent I try to find some time to pause and reflect on the year gone by but it seems this year I have barely had a moment to draw breath.

Shane spent most of the Summer sleeping after a serious collitis flare up that landed him in hospital for a week. He is still not fully recovered and is back on the steroids. As a result we didn't get a holiday this year - tho Shane and the little ones went to Grannie and Grandads for a week.

My health as always has been up and down but I am inally on insulin and carb counting and once I get my head around all of that I think it will be a good thing.

The children are doing very well and growing at a phenomenal rate. They have the ability to drive me crazy one moment and laugh out loud the next. They are a joy and a challenge, a gift and a blessing.

The Ordination process proceeds slowly. I have now been passed from the DDO in Southwell to the one in Derby. I am optimistic that 2012 will see progress at last.

Work continues to go well though the commute is a pain. I look forward to being able to work locally if and when something suitable turns up.

So I wish any passing readers and all my friends and family a very Merry Christmas.

God Bless us! Every one.

Sunny with Showers

The weather forecast is often 'sunny with Showers' and that seems an apt description of our lives at the moment.

The kids are doing well and are very well settled after our move. Sunny!

Shane has just had a spell in hospital with an enormous and severe collitis - at one point he was being told that he would lose two thirds of his bowel. Definately stormy.

He is now on the mend but it is going to be really slow going. Thanks to all who prayed whilst he was in hospital and please dont stop! Sunny spells.

I am tired still but the insulin is definately having a good effect and I am feeling more in control which helps! Cloudy with meatballs.

Summer is here and the sun is shining through the rain clouds - I am looking forward to sunny weather ahead!

Spring has sprung!!

The sunlight is finally here - I'm in short sleeves, the windows are open, the flowers are looking beautiful, so many blessings.

In the midst of the beauty of the sunsoaked English countryside I pause and thank God for his many blessings and bring before him the needs of those here and around the world for whom the sun does not shine so bright.

For my friend and colleague and her husband enduring the grief of separation brought about by alzheimers.
For Japan - the bereaved, those made homeless, those affected by radiation, those bravely facing life threatening danger to make the nuclear plants safe.
For Libya - for those standing for justice, for the wounded, for the bereaved and yes even for Gadaffi.
For the People of Bahrain and Yemen.
For Israel and Palastine.

So much sorrow and violence but our God is bigger and stronger and loves all that he has made. Amen.

New Wine Ladies Day - Harrogate.

It would be impossible for me to describe the New Wine ladies day in Harrogate last Saturday. Oh there are plenty of superlatives - fantastic, wonderful, awe-inspiring, amazing etc etc. And whilst all of them are true none seem quite adequate to the task. They are not superlative enough.

It was my first ever New Wine event and so I didnt really know what to expect. In many ways it offered the standard fair for this type of event - Worship, talks and call to prayer. Nothing out of the ordinary for a big, Christian get together.

I guess the thing that made it so great for me was the state I entered the venue and the state I came out.

I did not realise how depressed I had become. For months now I have been going down hill - finding each day harder to cope with than the last. I had thought that after my last bout of depression I would be able to spot the signs if it ever came back. I was wrong.

The depression slipped in one day, unannounced, unnoticed, uninvited. It slipped in like a sleek black cat and made a nest in my heart. Slowly over the months it spread its influence, blocking the light and sucking out all the colour in my world.

The tiredness grew and grew until I was barely functioning. I lost the ability to enjoy my kids and just grew more annoyed by their noise and exuberance. I forgot how to laugh and enjoy life.

Then I went to Harrogate.

As we entered the building I was aware almost immediately of the atmosphere. The place was heavily packed out but my usual fear of crowds stayed away. There was a buzz of excitement and expectation and a palpable prescence of God.

We found our seats and the worship began. I didnt know any of the songs but was able to sing them anyway. There was a talk and then a break. I felt safe and happy - a feeling that had not been mine for quite a long time.

Then there was another talk and a call to prayer. Usually with this kind of thing I sit in my seat thinking 'I'm not going down there - you can't make me'. But this time I was up and clambering over the back of the seat before I knew what was happening.

A week or so ago I filled in a 'Spiritual Gifts' questionnaire. The session had been about spiritual gifts. My questionnaire result had placed 'Prophecy' at the top of my gifts list - much to my surprise. I told the lady - her name was 'Sharon' too - about the questionnaire and she prayed and I prayed and everyone was praying. Afterwards she said she had seen me dressed in armour with the words 'Warrior of God'. Me?, a warrior?, lol! I wondered how this could be since I am so unsure of myself, so lacking in self confidence. Then we had lunch.

After lunch there was another session. It was about how women often suffer self confidence issues.....
She told us that we are daughters of the King of Kings.
We are clothed in righteousness.
We are strong and courageous women.
and we are commanded to be confident.

Another call to prayer and again I was keen to get to the front. We were prayed over. We were encouraged to take a step forward - to step out of the chains and the shackles of the past and to step into a new reality where we see ourselves as God sees us. I stepped.

They prayed that we may have Gods steel in the core of our being. That our backbones would fill with steel to make us strong and courageous. My neck felt warm despite the fact I was standing under an air conditioning unit. The warmth grew and flowed down my spine. I unfurled and felt 10 feet tall.

I entered the venue under the cloud of depression. Tired, bowed down, deeply unhappy.
I left several hours later into the bright and shining Son light. walking on air a daughter of the King of Kings, clothed in righteousness, a warrior of God, strong and courageous.

I am still smiling, though the tiredness remains I know His grace will give me strength enough for today.

Our God is a great big God and He holds us in his hands.

My humblest and most heartfelt thanks to the facillitators and speakers on Saturday but my biggest thanks are to the God who loves us and will not let us go.

Lent 2011

I decided this year not to give anything up for Lent.

I decided instead to do more of the things that are good for me.

I have bought Tom Wright's 'Lent for Everyone - Matthew - Year C'.

I have dug out my 'Common Worship - Daily Prayer'

I am listening to and singing with two New Wine worship CD's.

I am being more aware of God - attempting to walk more closely with the God who loves me. I am trying to listen harder for that still small voice and when I hear it to do or say what he tells me to.

I am learning to cast off all the baggage that has held me captive and step into a new reality.

Pray for me, with me as I begin this new way of doing Lent.

phew!

Spent too much time redesigning the blog but I am happy with the result.

Now time for bed!

The Song of Myself by Reallivepreacher.

The Song of Myself
Tue, 07/17/2007 - 12:44
"What is truth?" Pilate
asked Jesus. And Jesus answered him not.

One of the poems in Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass" is called, "Song of Myself." That poem caught my attention the first time I read it, and I have contemplated its meaning many times since. Singing the song of yourself has a thrilling and dangerous appeal, like skinny-dipping or hitchhiking across the country with only twenty bucks in your pocket.

Many times I have wanted to sing the song of myself, but I’ve never been willing to take the time or pay the price.

What would it take to sing the song of yourself? What would it cost you?

First, you would have to know yourself. And that is quite a thing to consider. You would have to take a long, careful look into what is deep and hidden within you. What is lurking around the corners of your mind? What memories and obsessions haunt you? What causes your glands to seize? What gets your blood moving so that your veins and arteries swell and push to the surface of your skin? What comes from your gut? What do your instincts say? Who or what speaks to you at night when the raw cuts of your home movies are shown on the screen of your mind?

Knowing yourself takes a long time, but even if you take that journey and arrive knowing yourself as well as a person can, you still might not sing the song of yourself. What would stop you?

Cowardly fears and righteous obligations.

Because…

Singing the song of yourself means telling the truth, and the truth has a way of severing ties to people and places and things. The words are spoken and a gleaming scalpel flashes. Living cords are sliced away. There are howls of pain and then silence.

Because…

Singing the song of yourself is like removing your clothes and standing naked before the world. Clothes do not make a person; they make the image of that person. Underneath the clothing lies the vulnerability of flesh. This is my true body. This is all I was given and all I will take with me. There will be no more hiding.

Because…

Singing the song of yourself creates a flash of white-hot fire in the kiln of your life. Everything that is not you is burned away. You lose it all, all the stuff you have accumulated over the years that follows you from house to house, wailing like a wraith. It would be gone forever. Burned away.

Because…

You might lose your community. Few relationships can withstand the song of yourself. People don’t want to hear your song. They don’t want to hear their own songs. They want to sing little love ditties filled with undefined words all the days of their lives.

So if you dare sing the song of yourself, be aware that you might be standing alone at the end of it. Maybe there is one person in the world who can bear the flames and will sing his or her song beside you. This is the person you've longed for and can't get enough of. The person whose voice you would recognize in a thousand voices. The one who draws you out and brings you forth. Perhaps you will find that person.

But probably not. You will probably be alone at the end of your song. The last refrain will echo back slowly, and there will be silence and solitude.


“So what would be so great about singing the song of yourself?” you ask me.

I’ll tell you. Singing the song of yourself would be the closest you could come to real truth. Descartes knew this. He knew that the only truth you can know and sing is the truth of your own existence. And maybe truth is the Siren whose song has charmed and tempted you all of your life. No one knows how you have longed for her, wanted her, pined for her, sought her in the hard places.

When I began Real Live Preacher back in 2002, I had an insane dream of singing the song of myself. I couldn’t do it then, even though I was anonymous. What held me back was your opinion of me. Within days my blog had already formed the crust of a persona, a crust that has thickened over the years.

And persona is death to the song of yourself.

Every time I sit to write, I flirt with the melody of the song of myself. I can feel the song. I can sometimes imagine the words I would lay down on paper, were I to sing it. I also count the cost. Singing the song of myself would hurt people, and that would hurt me. Truth is brutal. The cost too high, and it is getting higher every day.

So I push the edge a bit. I pull a few things out of my gut that are risky and lay them down with language that, ironically, gets its beauty more from what I left inside than from what I put on the paper.

But I tell you this ferociously and with bared teeth. The song of myself echoes in my ears every day. I’m in love with the idea of that song, though I have never even hummed it to myself.

Because I would like to write the truth about one human being. And I’m the only human I will ever truly know.

rlp

http://www.reallivepreacher.com/node/1216

I Can Make you Thin.....

....so claims Paul McKenna.

So a 90 day success plan starts today.

I weigh 96.4 (I think!) At the end of 90 days i am promised phenomenal weight loss if I just follow some simple rules and listen to a mind reprogramming CD.

Paul claims I dont have to believe just follow the instructions and thats good because io am sceptical - I struggle to see how this could work for me even if it has worked for 70% of all those who have tried it.

I get the psychology of it though and he talks a lot of sense - enough to think that its got to be worth a try - as the man himself says - I have nothing to lose but the weight. (and the six quid the book cost!)

Anyway - part of doing it is to keep a journal so I will blog my progress from time to time - watch this space.....

They Call it Democracy

padded with power here they come
international loan sharks backed by the guns
of market hungry military profiteers
whose word is a swamp and whose brow is smeared
with the blood of the poor

who rob life of its quality
who render rage a necessity
by turning countries into labour camps
modern slavers in drag as champions of freedom

sinister cynical instrument
who makes the gun into a sacrament--
the only response to the deification
of tyranny by so-called "developed" nations'
idolatry of ideology

north south east west
kill the best and buy the rest
it's just spend a buck to make a buck
you don't really give a flying fuck
about the people in misery

IMF dirty MF
takes away everything it can get
always making certain that there's one thing left
keep them on the hook with insupportable debt

see the paid-off local bottom feeders
passing themselves off as leaders
kiss the ladies shake hands with the fellows
open for business like a cheap bordello

and they call it democracy
and they call it democracy
and they call it democracy
and they call it democracy

see the loaded eyes of the children too
trying to make the best of it the way kids do
one day you're going to rise from your habitual feast
to find yourself staring down the throat of the beast
they call the revolution


Bruce Cockburn covered by Martyn Joseph

Is there anybody there....?

Hello?

Its so long since I blogged I wondered if there was anyone still in the blogosphere or have you all faded away whilst I was gone!

I havent really got mucxh to say today. The blog family have moved from Nottingham to Heanor and are settling in to new schools and a new church.

Peter now 7 and Ellie 5 are both doing very well.

Shane is tired and working far too hard.

I am still tired but trialling a new drug which is meant to reduce blood sugars and give me a bit more oomph - I live in hope.

I am hoping to get back to blogging more regularly but we shall see how that goes!

Welcome to my New Home

This is the new home of the blog previously known as pilgrim blogs progress. Over the next while I will move some stuff over from the previous blog and post new stuff here.

A year or so in the life of Scog Blog part 2 - surgery

My first of three operations was abdominal surgery of the type intended to prevent the patter of any more tiny feet!

It was meant to be a routine operation, keyhole style, with an overnight stay and back home to recuperate. Things didn't quite turn out that way.

During the operation the surgeon sliced through an artery resulting in them having to enlarge the incision to be able to clamp the vessel. I lost about 5 pints of blood whilst they tried to repair the damage and I was attended by 9 surgeons/doctors/aneathetists as they fought to save my life.

Afterwards I was in hospital for almost a week before being sent home. I was at home for one night before it became obvious that my wound had become infected - the infection started deep and bubbled up to the surface. Shane took be back to A&E and I was admitted to a different ward.

The doctor on the new ward prescribed an antibiotic but the pharmacist disagreed with the prescription and so I was left on the ward with no treatment - not even dressing changes for 2 days!

By this time I was getting quite desperate and finally a consultant from the original ward came down and got me moved up to her ward where I finally recieved treatment. I was in hospital for a further two weeks before being released. I was treated at home for a further two weeks before my wound finally healed.

Surgery number 2 was investigative knee surgery to identify what is causing me so much pain. The MRI had been inconclusive. The surgery showed that the damage to my anterior cruciate ligament had worsened and was now in need of surgical repair.

I first damaged my acl about 10 days before my wedding and consequently got married on crutches!

My third surgery was the acl reconstruction which went very well. I am still recieving physio and trying to strengthen the other muscles and ligaments as well. During the surgery they take about 8 inches of my hamstring and use it to create a new acl. I still have numb bits where the nerve endings have been damaged.

My knee is still painful but the consultant says that it is arthritis and theres nothing he can do about it - oh deep, deep joy!!!

I am beginning to accept that my knee will never be very good, will always give me some degree of pain and I need to just get used to the idea!

So that surgery - I may post a few photos of scars and things but I don't want to put anyone off there tea!!

A year or so in the life of Scog Blog part 1

While on my friends blog I noticed that it was a whole year since I last blogged!!

I'm not really sure how that happened. I will try to fill you in on what has happened in the last year or so.

first in brief:

I got a new job in December 2007 and left NTU.
I had an operation in February 2008 - abdominal surgery - caught an infection had three weeks in hospital and lost my new job.
Became vice chair of governors at Peters school.
Had a holiday.
Didn't find a new job...
Became assistant treasurer to the tertiary order of the Holy Paraclete.
Had another birthday in October.
Had investigative knee surgery in November.
Went to see Meatloaf at the Trent FM Arena
Had Christmas and New Year.
Had a crutiate ligament repair (more knee surgery)in January.
Still on crutches - six month post operative recovery period.

So thats it in brief - I will try to fill in more details in further posts.